Reflections: Ah, it feels good to ramble

326 days of marriage, done. 10 classes down. 9 months since moving to the East Coast. 6 months before baby. Who am I becoming?
This is definitely a transitional period of my life. A lot of things are changing. I’m a newly married, recent graduate, new student, part-time employee and future father. I don’t know how long I’ll be here or what I’ll do for the rest of my life. I haven’t nailed down what exactly I’m best at…What I’m created for. I won’t settle for the good, I want to pursue the best. I know I fit the description of an ideal church-planter to the “T.” Yet I’d rather hang out with non-Christians and am not yet sold on church. I find Christian language to be antiquated, out of touch and confusing yet learning about the Kingdom of God makes my heart beat what feels like a million times per second. I think Christ is cool but I haven’t figured out how He fits into a post-Christian society. I don’t know what my future will look like and the past is just the past. There are still a lot of question marks, “transitional” is probably an understatement.
I always scratch my head when I hear of people who have known what they have wanted to do since forever (Or for two days straight). Its just impossible for me to relate because I’ve never been this way. Even in sports, I was never able to pick just one. Basketball is my favorite, I’m best at running, and always wished I was big enough for football. Or, take academics as another example. I refused to go to a Christian college, insisted on an evangelical grad school, and know (possible) Ph.D work will most likely be in another field of study, separate from all previous. No one subject has ever satisfied me fully. Arabic inspired me, Spanish bored me, Greek stymied me and Hebrew is TBD. Novels never quite get it, law doesn’t quite fix it, and no “religion” has answered all the questions. I see truth in a lot of places. I guess that’s why I’m a believer in the inter-relatedness of truth. This conviction is almost like a curse. It forces me to never stop looking… even as I’ve found the Source of Truth I’ve only just begun to understand the implications. For me, Incarnation has always been in a lot of different areas.
I can sense change. I see it not only solely within myself or in my wife or in those around me. I see it in the connections. How I relate with Kaylyn is different from a year ago. I could have described my love for her then. Now I can’t, its so unlike anything I‘ve ever experienced! Our relationship has grown in ways I never anticipated. I was not prepared for the joy she brings me. And I hear the first year is only the beginning.
My mind is also getting a workout. It hurts most of the time now. Partially because my thought processes are filtered through a whole new set of questions… I lead differently as my interactions with others morph. I find myself looking to follow more, lead less. I spend way too much time in libraries and café’s. My internal processing is connecting even more to my extrovert personality. God is again wholly new. As my confidence shatters I daily feel God’s presence more powerfully. I hear God, not only when I’m silent. I see God, not only when my eyes are open. I experience God, even before I try.
God is becoming more glorious and disturbing. As I gaze higher, I’m getting past the point of seeing Scripture as merely “interesting.” As I spend my days searching Scripture I’m having to stop. I’m learning the ramifications and they are becoming real. I’ve realized Scripture is scary if its true. It is clearly true, and that is beginning to scare me. Especially when I realize that won’t change because meaning isn’t up to me. I’m also finding it harder to be silent and still in church. Its becoming almost awkward to NOT raise my hands or to NOT shout, “amen.” God’s glory is becoming disturbingly precious to me.
I’ve been humbled. Plain and simple. I’ve been reminded of my need for a Savior, Sustainer, Sanctifier and Friend. I’m scared to live apart from God’s plan. I realize I’ve got a long way to go. Basically, I’m beginning to come to grips with the fact that apart from being created by God; having received the offer of the perfect Sacrifice of Jesus, and given the presence of the Holy Spirit, I am merely a man. What a great time of life!
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